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DESCRIPTION: I nearly coughed up my lobster roll after reading a piece on GQ this weekend entitled " Maine fuck Do We Really Need It?

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I nearly coughed up my lobster roll after reading a piece on GQ this weekend entitled " Maine: Do We Really Need It? Do we need a state? Probably more than we need an artificially and temporarily implanted mommy's boy chewing away at our resources while spending a total of four years at Colby College and thinking he has an opinion. Forgive me, I'm a little defensive. I've lived here my entire life, exactly forty-two years as of this month.

While I've seen my fair share of backward policies and racism, I've also seen what it really means to live in this state. Spending four years as a tourist doesn't give you the right to comment. You know exactly shit about being a Mainer. If I had to guess, approximately Maine fuck. What's that, five total? I mean we are, after all, a wasteland, a wilderness of hill people, as you so eloquently put it.

In all honesty, this accent is practically dead. And where it is present, it's mostly isolated to the eastern seaboard of Maine. If I had to guess, you rarely conversed with anyone who said ayuh or Bangah. Did you even leave the comfort of your dorm? I've rarely conversed with anyone who talks this way, and I've lived here for four decades.

While I'm at it, let me correct you. Did you Maine fuck this out before you typed it? Did you ask Siri for assistance? I don't think so. We don't Maine fuck around with r's.

Next time you disparage our native tongue, get it right. I want to shove a pine cone in Maine fuck ear for your Maine fuck remark about this most treasured place. Portland, which is Boston for people Maine fuck broke to live in Boston, you said. Maine fuck, you put in on the pro list, Maine fuck you crapped on it in the same breath. Your facts, once again, are twisted. Many people who live in Portland actually travel to Boston for work.

I'm not a mathematician, obviously neither are you, but I don't think people too poor to live in Boston settle for Portland. I think many people choose Portland because it fucking rocks. So does Boston, by the way. And their accent, music Maine fuck my ears. I think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon would agree.

If you keep going north Maine fuck with a capital forever, you end up in Canada. Not a black hole, unless you're referring to Justin Bieber's front yard. And you can't take It ends in Houlton. Towns are Maine fuck miles apart either. The entire state is only miles apart. I'll send you gazetteer and some road maps.

You called us weird and disturbing. You know what I find disturbing? Your unnatural intolerance to the cold. You complained about it in your GQ piece, and you often make reference to it on Twitter.

Sure, global warming is taking the edge off, but Maine, Minnesota, and six other states that make you cringe have traditional winter weather patterns. Know what that means? Visit Greenland and let me know if you still think our state shrinks your balls.

Now, I'd like to get serious for a minute. You struck a nerve referencing poorly named and imaginary drug dealers. While their names might suck, I take offense to the notion that you think we have an imaginary problem in this state.

Tell that to the parents and family of Bonnie Royer or Eric Williams, whose lives were taken by one of these imaginary thugs right before Christmas. We have a huge problem in Maine. We are being overrun by out-of-state drug Maine fuck. Are they Maine fuck black?

Our governor opens mouth and inserts foot far too often. I'm not a fan. I'll give you this one. But to downplay such a serious and growing issue, I need to call your mother. Last time I checked, we are subject to the same laws and regulations as most states. I've never heard of anyone shooting Maine fuck dog out their back door and getting away with it.

We also don't eat our children or take over wildlife refuge centers because we think we can and feel like it. We're not above the law.

But we do try to maintain it. You got really nasty with the whole little to offer us in the way of economic or intellectual resources. According Maine fuck a recent, very precise surveyMaine is one of the top five smartest states. Minnesota and Massachusetts follow!

Cold must breed intelligence which would explain your abhorrence. Maine also happens to be quite an economic powerhouse, ranking the 11 th most entrepreneurial state in the nation. Get your calculator out. We're pretty smaht after all. I'm sure this piece was meant in good fun, a stab at satire to make the masses laugh. I even agree with some of what you said.

But in the end, I think we should sell you to Denmark for a tidy profit. Although, you'll want to bring a coat. I hear the winters are frigid.

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☰ Comments

#1 ALTA:
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Fuck off, dipshit. Your ilk is neither needed nor welcome here.

#3 IRIS:
This just reminds me of the case of Kitty Genovese. Just even more extreme.

#4 KIM:
rebelliousgamer cock-blocked *Puts on Troll face Problemo

simple pick up makes me want to move to Mars who takes advantage of drunk girls?


#7 ERIN:
I hope she remembers!

yeah it is whore, which is only a bad word if you let it be

Can you talk more about non-heterosex?

#10 KARIN:
laci is just looking for an opportunity to show off her own boobs

Laci how do you think the best way to compliment a girl or show them that I like them without being creepy?

#12 LILY:
I saw the first few seconds of his instagram (stalker creepy